Fury of the Blogging Flame
by Yuuaku Hikari
Summary: Axel keeps an online diary! :D  Based off of real-life experiences. Coming soon to a theater near you.
1. What Does Hell Have To Do With It?

**Author's Note:**

This…has no significance. I really just wanted to write out my thoughts after getting in touch with my inner Axel. I guess you can say this is therapeutic? Mostly meant to be humorous, since I feel like being a sarcastic little bastard and just ranting on about life…through Axel's perspective! None of this is planned and I, quite literally, just type out what I think the second it comes to my head…through Axel's perspective! They'll be pretty short (maybe less than 1,000 words a chapter, depending on how wandering my mind is), but I'll keep them entertaining. :D

Hope this makes all y'all laugh!

* * *

So. Kinda just sitting here, bored. Whoop-dee-doo.

Whoop-dee-_fucking_-doo.

I kinda want to go for a walk, except there are two things wrong with that picture:

1 – it's 1:30 in the morning.

2 – It's January. Meaning, it's cold as Hell.

Can Hell even get cold? I've never understood that expression. And while we're on the topic, why do a lot of expressions relate to Hell?

"Sexy as Hell." "Hurt like Hell." "Annoying as Hell."

I can understand the hurting and the annoying, but the sexy? How can Hell possibly be sexy?

If you make it wear some cheap lingerie? Hahahaha. *snort*

I've never understood lingerie, either. What's the point of dressing up in some sexy underwear if your man (or woman. Seriously, if it's a woman, you have some issues to sort out) is just going to tear it off your body anyway? I mean, think about it: would you rather spend about three-hundred bucks at Victoria's Secret to purchase nothing but strings and lace that will most likely either get lost in the wash or will rip apart anyway with your antics, or would you rather just walk into the room naked and say "fuck it, I'm naked and I'm horny and I want you, let's do this, baby"?

Logic, people! Logic!

Not that I'm one to talk. I ain't getting any. Damn.

Maybe I could convince Roxas to wear some lingerie.

Ha! Psych.

He'd shank me up the ass.

…it's a lot more painful than it sounds, trust me.

Speaking of my beloved Roxy, the other day he visited and we found the most retarded toy ever. It was some weird kind of robot toy with a remote that made it do stuff. There was a "Dance" option, but the little fucker wouldn't dance. Hell, it wouldn't do anything we wanted it to do.

Ahh, shit. The fire alarm just started going off. I blame myself…for whatever it is I've done.

…did I even do anything this time?

…nah.

Anyway, we spent about six minutes trying to get the damn thing to work. But no matter what button we pressed, it would just go "yeah" or "uh huh" or make some really weird noise.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. UH-HUH. YEAH. UH-HUH. UMF. UH-HUH. YEAH.

…hehehehehehe. Dirty thoughts.

THE DAMN ALARM WON'T STOP GOING "BEEP!"

Since I'm kinda letting my mind wander, I'm just gonna read some stuff on the internetz. I need ideas for my next Roxy-n-Me time. He said, "Your tricks are getting old, Axel."

Do you know what this means?

It means that I'm getting predictable! The things that used to spice up our sex life no longer have that zing! I need some new material or else my little bitch is gonna take his sweet ass somewhere else! But _where_?

…DEMYX.

THE LITTLE WHORE.

But Demyx is sooo uke…and Roxas is sooo uke…who would top?

…OH MY GOD.

I'd rather not think of that. EVER. AGAIN.

Now then, onto the fanfiction!

There's some crazy shit that goes on in that stuff. Like, vampires and princesses and male prostitutes and tentacle people. …what the hell. These people have waaaay too much free time.

And if I don't get any new things soon, _I'm_ going to have waaaay too much free time.

...damn.

I feel a sudden wave of heat coming in through my AC vent. …which is weird, because in the entire building, _my_ vent is the _only_ one that's fucked up. Nothing goes through it, absolutely nothing.

…I hope something hasn't died in there.

Ahaha, I'm grinning like a damn fool at _this _one.

Like I would really tease Roxy with a mental image of me in a shower.

…okay, I would.

Not that you can really blame me, right?

I mean, c'mon. These hips don't lie.

Oh, wait. That's a song, isn't it? Damn you, Shakira.

...how did I even get these hips, anyway? I'm pretty sure I have a penis, what with the way Roxy screamed my name last night. Lemme check just to be sure it didn't fall off sometime today.

Yup. Still have my penis.


	2. Nipples And Why We Have Them

Holy _damn_, it's been a while since I've done this. I blame work. And sleep. And Roxas.

And Perfect Blue.

Two words:

**Holy.**

_**Shit.**_

God damned movie is a _mindfuck_. But it's sooooooo good...I'm getting ideas for some writing from it.

Oh, how I love my inner sadistic mind.

Roxas thinks I'm that rubbin' off on him. He can't stop thinking of ways to torture Sora. With _Vanitas_.

That's a fate I wouldn't wish on _Michael Jackson._

Oh, wait - he's dead, isn't he?

Shit.

Sorry, guys. That was heartless, I know.

...*snrk*

Totally didn't intend that joke, by the way.

To be not so offensive, how about...Hitler?

No, wait. He's dead, too.

Hmm...

...Justin Bieber.

So, anyway. PB.

Like I said, total mindfuck. It's like, nothing much scene changes, hysteria, murder, and sex. Yeah, there's a rape scene...sorta. If it's just acting for a drama, does that count?

Oh, no wait.

There was an _almost _rape scene. Legit.

Does _that _count?

Eh, whatever.

As I am Roxysexual, the boobs didn't faze me all that much. Nope.

Though, all those boob shots make me want to ask about nipples.

Why do guys have them? Last I checked, we weren't girls. Roxy could be cute enough to be one, but that's beside the point. It's not like we use them for anything (except to pinch to make him scream, hihihihihi~).

Let me go ask Vexen.

Okay, so here's the verdict:

Basically, everyone's a female until, like, the first two weeks of pregnancy. Then the good ol' Y-chromosome kicks in and the baby becomes a boy. And that's why dudes have nipples.

...huh.

So, we were all originally chicks.

Does that make everybody lesbians?

And why does this remind me to a conversation I had with Demyx a few days ago?

"Duuuuude, Axel! I, like, totally think Larxene has the hots for Namine. Like, she's always touching her and giving her that rape look...like what you give to Roxas!"

"Hey! It's not rape! ...it's love."

"You need a heart to love, Axel."

"Demyx, Larxene is completely incapable of love, _with_ or _without_ a heart. She has the hots for _nobody_."

"Hur hur hur."

"Oh, shut up."

"You said 'nobody'."

"Larxene's not a real lesbian."

"Not real?"

"Nope."

"Oh, so I guess that makes lesbians just a part of mythology, _huh_? Like, unicorns and centaurs? ...and lesbian centaurs?"

...where the hell does he come up with this?

I think I should stop hanging around Demyx. He's cool and all, but...well, need I explain?

He needs to stop before I, like, blow myself up or something.

...why do I get the feeling that I just jinxed myself?

* * *

**Author's Note:**

That lesbian centaur line? Actual quote from a friend of mine. Love her and worship her. :D

And I figured I should post something, since I'm currently being occupied by my most intense story yet. Thank you all for being so patient with me. ^^;;

And, seriously. Perfect Blue. Daaaaaaaamn. I found the title by accident after looking up some info on Paranoia Agent since I was thinking about watching it. Let's just say that deciding to watch this movie at 11:00 at night was _**not **_one of my smartest choices.

Or maybe it was.

I now have the urge to draw a mentally insane and homicidal Roxas/Ven pop star.

...hihihihihihihihi~


	3. Hey, Guys! We're SHIT Heads!

Holy sweet Jesus, it's been a while.

Well, good news everybody! Roxas finally graduated! Hurray!

And even better news: _I_ finally graduated!

High school, that is.

Yeah, it took forever. But it's finally done! Now me and my beloved Roxy can go off and live happily ever after in one of those really corny Disney castles.

Disneyland? :D

At the moment, I'm up past midnight with the _intentions_ to get my fucking room clean once and for all. But instead, I'm sitting on my bed blasting some Evans Blue and waiting for my bed sheets to get cleaned.

...No, they are not in need of a wash for the reasons you little fangirls think.

Damn.

Anyway, yeah. We're going out into the real world now: college.

I'm kinda terrified, actually.

Wanna know why?

_Roxy and I are going to different colleges._

I'm going to a university 'cause I'm that awesome, but nooooo. Roxy's going to a _community_ college.

Is it because he doesn't want to room with me? Roxy, if you're reading this, I promise I won't molest you in your sleep!

Except on weekends.

Weekends are fair game.

...And Hanukkhah.

Yes, even though we're not Jews.

See, the colleges are about, eh, an hour to an hour and a half of a drive. I don't have a car, and even if I _did_, I have no job. How would I pay for gas?

Wait.

OH SHI- _**DER**_.

PORTALS.

HOW DID I EVEN MAKE IT PAST _HIGH SCHOOL_, I DON'T EVEN-

In other news, I had good ol' Luxord over the other day. We played Rock Band and Mario Party 8.

...I totally _just _noticed the 8.

Holy shit.

Mind = blown.

Must be why I totally dominated his ass. :D

...

NO WAIT. WAIT.

I TAKE THAT BACK.

IT IS NOT WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.

Is Roxas reading this?

I'M SORRY, ROXY! o A o

But if it makes you feel any better, there was this minigame where we had to shake the Wii remote to shake up a can of soda so it exploded.

It was a lot like masturbation.

So I thought of you. :D

...

That didn't really help my situation, did it?

...

I'm still in trouble, aren't I?

...

You're not even reading this, are you?

...

Ahh, shit.

I'm prolly sleeping on the couch tonight, guys.

That wouldn't be so bad.

Except _Saix_ also likes to sleep on the couch.

And he is a very.

_Very._

Territorial son of a bitch.

If I don't survive the night, guys, tell my mum I love her.

If I even have one, I mean.

And tell Demyx that I'm chillin' with Jesus.

And tell Marluxia that, no, he can _not_ have my sextastic boots.

And, Roxy, if you're watching...

...I'm sorry about that girl in Barcelona.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Based on a true story, yo.

And anybody who gets the reference in the very last line gets a digital cookie.


	4. Wait, Poking Me With WHAT?

Yo! Looks like I'm getting this shit updated a bit earlier than usual, huh?

Well, Roxas stayed over a couple nights ago. We were chatting in my room and he randomly picks up my copy of Perfect Blue and was like, "I wanna watch this."

"Why?"

"It looks interesting. Oh, look! There's blood!"

"Yup. It's puh-retty violent."

"I believe it!"

"But you sure you wanna watch it? It's got nudity and rape scenes and shit and it's _really _confusing."

"I DON'T CARE, I WANNA WATCH IT."

So we did.

Half way through the movie, he literally burst out into tears shouting, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, I'M SO CONFUSED! Dx"

Then we began to compare it to Inception.

It's _that_ big of a mindfuck.

After Perfect Blue, we watched Happy Feet.

Wait, what?

In a completely unrelated subject, I traded in the Lego Pirates of the Caribbean I got for graduation (*sob*) for a Pokemon Black. I captured Reshiram in three days.

THREE DAYS, BITCHES.

Fuckin' Ghetsis...and his level 52+ Pokemon...Fuck you.

And then today, I got Pokemon Soul Silver.

What? I grew up with this shit.

Believe it or not, I used to be an avid Pokemon nerd. I had the _original _Red Version. Yeah, the one that came out in the 90's. I was that cool.

Then I played Black and was like, "WHERE THE HELL IS ALL THE COOL POKEMANZ."

I almost wept happy manly tears when I ran into a trainer with a Rapidash.

Pretty pony on fire~

'Course, that was only _after _I beat the game with Reshiram. But as long as I can get my Pikachu, I am content.

I wonder what Roxas would look like as a Pikachu...

...

Oh my God...

Fuckin' _adorable_...~

I should request Namine to draw it for me.

Then I can mangasm over it all day long.

I mean, when I'm not mangasming over the real thing.

So, just for shits and giggles, I named my trainer Roxas. When choosing Pokemon, also for shits and giggles, I picked Cyndaquil and named it Axel.

Things got weird after that.

First, Prof. Oak was like, "So you're Roxas? I've heard a lot about you. Oh! A rare Pokemon! You must really love and care for your Pokemon, it seems."

Roxas must really love and care for his Axel.

This pleases me.

And apparently you can look back at your walking Pokemon and talk to it!

So I tried it out.

"Axel gives you a happy look and a smile!" (Awwh~)

"The Orgy 13 group, huh? That's a great name!" (*snrk*)

"You're in the Orgy 13 group with Roxas as leader, right?" (Wait, what?)

"Would you like to leave that group and make a new one?" (Why does this seem so familiar...)

"Your Pokemon is staring intently at the blackboard...But it doesn't seem to understand." (HEY.)

"Axel looks like it wants to lead!" (DAMN STRAIGHT, BITCH.)

"Axel is staring intently at Roxas's face." (...)

"Axel seems to want to play with Roxas!" (All night long, baby. ;D)

"Axel is poking at your belly."

...With WHAT?

Actually, knowing me, I'd rather not find out.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

All this? True story. Even the Roxas trainer and Axel Cyndaquil. He evolved into a Quilava, yay~

And yes. My Roxas was hopelessly confused while watching Perfect Blue. I had to explain about a third of what was going on to her. Even then, she didn't get it. Quite frankly, neither did I.

Oh, and in the middle of the iconic stabbing scene with the photos of things inappropriate for small children, _my mother walked into the room._ We were both like, "Shit, shit, shit, don't look at the screen! DON'T LOOK AT THE SCREEN!"

'Cause there's, y'know, boobs and vaginas and such.

Thank God she didn't. *_*


	5. God Must Hate Big Cities

Yeah, yeah, I know: it's been a long time, bitch bitch bitch, shit this and shit that, we get it.

I was gone for two weeks off at band camp. Yes, for the second year in a row. Last year I lost a bet with Demyx and had to go with him.

Summer is just full of reruns, isn't it?

Anyway, I had to go again this year. Last year, the forest was on fire.

Swear to God I had absolutely _nothing_ to do with it.

But this year, it was raining. Like, a shit ton.

...I think I preferred the fire.

At any rate, couldn't bring the computer with me, so there went my updating of this pointless and plotless rant.

And then I got distracted.

Y'know, Facebook, Sony Vegas, Cyanide and Happiness, all that good shit.

I officially love Seizure Man.

And Kris.

Oh, you classy bastard with your monocle and tophat and mustache, you.

*siiiigh* ~

...

*clears throat*

In other news!

I just finished watching Cloverfield for the first time.

First of all, it was _not_ that shaky, and every single one of you who got motion sickness are a bunch of fucking pansies.

Secondly, that monster thing was freaky as _shit_.

Sure am glad I'm nowhere near New York, heheheheh.

...To all of those who are, I am terribly sorry.

Speaking of The Big Apple, has anybody else noticed that just about _every single _disaster or alien/zombie apocalypse happens in either New York, Los Angeles, or Chicago?

Like, the only sci-fi horror flick I've seen that took place anywhere near Arizona (AYE-_**ZEE!**_) was Eight Legged Freaks.

Those were fuckin' spiders.

_Spiders._

Nothing that's a legit threat.

...Except those jumpers.

They might be a problem.

Regardless of _what_ eventually takes over the U.S., I ain't surviving.

Spiders? I hate 'em. I hate bugs in general. Yeah, I'm a wuss when it comes to things that crawl. And fly. Like cockroaches. Eww... One time, I was in the kitchen getting a glass of water and on my way back upstairs, something wizzed right past my face and I heard a light crunching noise when it landed. I looked over and saw a FUCKING COCKROACH THE SIZE OF MY _THUMB_ ON XALDIN'S OVEN MITT.

I DID NOT KNOW THOSE FUCKERS COULD FLY.

SHIT.

I screamed like a little girl and ran into Roxy's bed. Heh.

Aliens? Man, they fuckin' _torture_ people for sick kicks. Anyone see the remake of War of the Worlds? How 'bout Mars Attacks! Independence Day? Alien? ...Alien_**s**_? Alien vs. Predator? You get the point. They're ugly, they're nasty, and they're sick fucks. I have a low tolerance for pain - if they try any of their shit on me, I'll be crying before they get three feet away from me.

Zombies? Uugh... Man, if there is one major fear I have, it's zombies. I might or might not survive, depending on the type of zombies they are.

The George Romero version? Where they're all slow and stumbly and shit? Maybe. Even better chance if they were like Highschool of the Dead. Slow, dumb, and blind. I'm a stealthy little son of a bitch, heheheh.

Now, if they were anything like _Left 4 Dead_...I'm fucked in the ass (and, as I am seme, that is, in fact, a bad thing).

Not a fast runner, nor can I run for very long; can't shoot a gun (though I have been meaning to learn); I have almost literally no upper-body strength, and, to be quite frank, I'd probably freeze up in fear just at the sight of one.

Yeah. I'm totally fucked.

I mean, normally I'd be just fine lighting them on fire. But what if that alone doesn't do jack _shit_? I could always portal somewhere, but _where_?

What if _all_ of the worlds go to shit by this epidemic?

Well...I guess as long as I have Roxy with me, I should be okay. c:

Unless he's a zombie.

Then the bitch is going down.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

True story with that cockroach. Uugh...


	6. Kickin' It Old School All Up In Hur

Hoo, boy. Uhm, I can totally explain myself.

College is a bitch.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The end.

But seriously, though. College is getting in the way of my shit.

Not that I'm complaining or anything. It just sometimes gets annoying how I have to manage time between classes, homework, basic needs, chores, and my writing.

Oh, and Futurama.

That's pretty high on my priorities list.

Oh, Fry. How you managed to survive at all is one of the great mysteries of life.

Also, I've been listening to a lot of Evans Blue lately.

KEVIN MATISYN, HAVE MY MAN-BABIES, YOU SEXY AND POETIC SON OF A BITCH.

And hey. EB.

Fuck you for kicking him out.

Sell-out bitches.

Oh, well. I can blast their _good_ shit all I want.

The roommate never showed up.

That's right, ladies. This dorm room is all _mine_.

Jealous? ;D

Also, I can totally explain my absence for my all-time favorite holiday.

That's right.

I, Axel, was missing for AkuRoku Day.

I tried serenading my beloved but he kept refusing my advances.

I had to resort to Justin Bieber (God forbid).

Needless to say, I was Bieber'd.

As in, Roxy threw a plastic water bottle at my head.

I was rendered unconscious for about…three days?

I forget.

Don't believe me?

Lookit up.

Demyx managed to catch it ALL on film.

It's on YouTube.

AKUROKU ~* THE MUSICAL *~

Or something gay like that.

…

So! College life!

It's pretty sweet, actually.

Like, I have only one class on Tuesdays and it's _acting_.

Easiest grade evar, right?

Haha, WRONG, BITCHES.

THIS SHIT IS SERIOUS.

Oh. In case I forgot to tell you guys, good ol' Axel's double-majoring in Film and Acting.

…What. D'you think I wanted to have a career in firefighting or something?

Pfft.

Bitch, please.

I _start_ that shit.

Anyway, college is doing pretty well. I have it rather easy for a freshie.

I wonder how Roxy's doing…

I should surprise him one of these days.

Just *poof*!

"HI, ROXY!"

"OH MY GOD, AXEL!"

"'Sup, babe?"

"I MISSED YOUR HOT COCK IN ME, OH GOD JUST TAKE ME NOW."

"Ehh…Okay. c:"

…Yup.

Totally how it's gonna go down.

While we're on the subject of college and dorms and shit, I HAVE A NINTENDO 64 IN MY ROOM.

SUCK IT, BITCHES.

Got Mario Party 2 and Super Smash Bros. and Mario Tennis and Pokemon Stadium and Pokemon Puzzle League all up in here.

I also managed to sneak over my old PS2.

BUT THE FUCKER.

WON'T.

READ.

ANY.

FUCKING.

DISKS.

NOT THE GAMES.

NOT THE DVDS.

NOT THE PORN.

NOT SHIT.

AAAAARRRRGGGHAWKtijaWLN YKaKLyhnoyesh;ye h;ly

Sorry, kinda went on a rampage there.

Axel's cool now.

So cool.

Like.

Slim-Shady cool.

Oh yeah.

He's gangsta.

I'm gangsta.

We all be gangsta hur.

…Oh, dear God, what is this country's intelligence coming to?

Why can't America be more like some other, like, uber-smart country?

Like Japan?

Oh, wait.

We have a word for those kinds of people.

"Weaboos."

...

SHA-ZING!


	7. Am I Supposed To Find This Porn SEXY?

HOLY SHIT, A WILD AXEL HAS APPEARED!

Hahahah. But no, seriously it's been a while bitches. Lot's been goin' on in life lately. For one: I got a job.

HELL YES MONEY.

Also, I'm back in school. Yes, BACK.

...Long story.

Poor ol' Axel got really, REEEEEEAAAAAALLY sick about a month into the school year. Couldn't eat, couldn't stop sleeping, could just barely walk to the bathroom even though it was like ten feet away 'cuz I got all dizzy and shit. Oh, and I was always thirsty. ALWAYS.

I have never wanted to see Demyx before so much in my life.

So, I was stuck in bed for about two weeks and then the next two months were spent recovering.

I had to drop out, damn it.

BUT I'M BACK.

WITH A FUCKING VENGEANCE.

OH.

And Roxy's birthday was this last weekend. c:

We went to come bouncy trampoline place. It was awesome.

Also managed to get my hands on a copy of _Paprika_. Trippiest. Shit. EVR.

Kid Icarus: Uprising, too.

Hurt my hand more than when I fap for hours.

WORTH IT.

Like, no shit. It's the funniest and bestest game I've gotten my hands on to date.

But I won't spoil no shit hurr.

So, I've been thinking I should rename this diary...thing?

But "Where The Hell's The Plot To This Thing, Anyway?" is soooo beautiful.

...BYE, TITLE. :D

So, has anybody actually checked out tentacle hentai?

No?

GOOD.

DON'T DO IT.

SOME THINGS IN THIS WORLD SHOULD NEVER BE SEEN.

It was really more disturbing than arousing.

Seriously.

What the fuck, Japan.

What.

The.

Fuck.


End file.
